Squirrel

9a78b6fb851083b2e23ffb9f8c1863a4“Just one more,” I think to myself.

“Okay, that doesn’t quite do it for me, one more please…” I mutter under my breath.

These words come to me after four to five hours of binge watching Netflix. Let’s be real, sometimes it’s up to 12 hours. But for the purpose of people judging me, let’s stick with four to five.

My problem isn’t a lack of ambition, lack of hobbies, or a social disorder. My problem is I actually think my life is what is happening on Netflix.

First show binge; Scandal. Ohh this one was good. Was about five years late to the game but that made watching every episode that much better. It also made shutting it off at 2 a.m. that much harder. But, what I did learn while watching this series, is I now have what it takes to run the country. Yes, you heard me. I learned about back of the house deals, how to manipulate people and that I am untouchable. Man it feels good!

Meanwhile, I brought out the trash today and as I went to throw it in the bin, I hear a commotion, as my trash bag goes airborne through the air and “Clunk!” into the bin, a GIANT squirrel jumped out and almost killed me. What did my dog do? Run. That little four legged ‘protector,’ RAN. Followed by me.

My second binge show; Prison Break. This too proved to be a good watch, pretty sure it is what happens on the back end of everything that was going on in Scandal. Conspiracy? I think so. During this show I realized my potential to break out of any building, trap or situation. I know how to think five steps ahead of everyone. Nothing was a surprise during the show, I saw it all coming, because I too am brilliant.

Meanwhile, I got out of my car yesterday with the seatbelt still fastened.

I may have a few obstacles in my way before I run the country or create a prison break, but, it’ll happen. You wait.

Current Binge; Locked Up Raw. Thinking about getting a pen-pal.

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Swipe!

“You’re so lucky you are single!”

If I had a penny for every time I heard that…

Really?

Really.

Let me give you just a little blip into the life of a single person. A single person in 2017.

Granted, I am in this place because I focused on my career first, and while working on myself, I wasn’t prepared to let someone truly get to know me. I do take some responsibility for the predicament I am in.

However, with that being said, I’m about to spill it out for you.

Choosing my future husband is down to a technological science. No, it’s not a bunch of algorithms I pay hundreds of dollars for, I’m talking an application on my phone where I can literally swipe left or right to say hello to my future.

Thus in turn forcing me to judge someone on their looks and limited profile. Sometimes, you get to swiping so fast you pass someone you actually want to meet but you already swiped left and it’s over. You don’t get that chance again. Their gone. Forever.

Reasons to swipe left:
♣ Pictures of only their children – I’m not dating them, I’m dating you.
♣ Group photos – Which one are you? Usually not the one we think.
♣ Pictures holding a fish – We get it, you fish. It’s Minnesota, everyone does it.
♣ Outdoor pictures – That’s great you are on the top of a mountain or riding bike through the dessert, but I will not be there with you.
♣ You don’t show your teeth – I need to know what I’m working with.
♣ Your profile says – Just looking for friends, FWB or Open Minded. AKA means your    married and you are open to the idea, but I’m pretty sure your wife isn’t.
Reasons to swipe right:
♣ None of said items above are shown in profile.

 

That’s how I choose.

It’s not chemistry, it’s not best pick up line, it’s not knowledge of common friends, it’s a pure 3 second judgement that decides my fate.

“How about you go out and meet people!” 

That has been my life for the last umpteen years; be out and about, recruiting, talking to people, getting to know people, if I didn’t meet you then, you can come find me now. I’m tired. I don’t want to meet someone at a bar and have “that” conversation with them. I don’t want to hear someone put their foot in their mouth while trying to start a conversation with me. I don’t want to pay for your meal because I need to prove women are equal. I’m over it.

So I think what I have concluded in writing this blog, is I’m burnt out from dating. I’m taking a break.

Oh man, did that really just come out of my mouth?

“When you least expect it to happen, it’ll happen,” said every friend I ever had.

(Me Currently) Waiting.

Copyright by Kristin Marthaler ©