This Can’t be Real


Today I opened up tissues, to wipe away the tears.

I should have been opening hair dye, for you to go platinum blonde.

When I cracked open a mountain dew, to keep me awake from 2 hours of sleep.

We should have been making DewMosas.

As I tried to eat garlic bread at lunch, sick to my stomach.

It should have been Pizza Hut cheesy bread, because it finally opened near here.

So many moments today that shouldn’t have been. Moments that don’t seem real. Ladies night wasn’t supposed to turn into this. This isn’t how life was supposed to go. You aren’t supposed to be gone.

You should be here laughing at my horrible stories, or explaining to me why you bought the brightest blonde you could find. You should be on your third DewMosa of the evening, getting hiccups from drinking to fast. Smiling and laughing while telling me about Lunds and what Eric and Nick have been up too.

Heaven wasn’t supposed to be where you celebrated ladies night. Heaven shouldn’t have as many angels as they do. Heaven shouldn’t have you.

We should have you. You should still be here. You should still be giving hugs. You should be making the kids laugh. You should be holding Sammy.

Heaven should be closed to residents.

No matter how angry it makes me that I will never hold you again, hug you or tell you I love you, you are in amazing hands. You lived a happy full life. You even became Mayor of Hopkins you knew so many people. We are all better for knowing you, stronger for having loved you and more full of love from living with you. Please give Grandma I a big hug, and watch after her. She gets lost sometimes at the casino’s. I’m sure there are casino’s all over Heaven, so good luck!

Please continue to look down over our family and keep the love, faith and dreams going strong. Forever in our hearts, always on our minds. I love you Lu!


Heaven is so far away….



“Cousin Kristin! I need a huuuug!” spilled from Lauren’s mouth every time she entered the room. We were extra lucky when she would give us more than one hug. So full of love. Such tight squeezes.

This weekend, I had plans to hang out with Lauren on Sunday night. She worked until 7 p.m. and would come over for supper after. We were going to have Pizza Hut. They finally opened after a year and a half of waiting. Took forever! We also had a fresh new hair dye we were going to put on Lauren. OJ and Mt. Dew were cold in the fridge, for DewMosas. We were set.

Sunday night, 7:22 p.m. “something isn’t right,” I came through my body. Lauren always was on time and was always calling and texting. Her phone was silent. Her response was silent. My heart was still.

I called her mother to let her know something was off and to see if she knew where she was. I had had a sinking feeling in my stomach all day. Her mom’s voice let me know this wasn’t normal and that we needed to act quickly. Ten minutes later our Lauren was found deceased in her apartment. She had a seizure and did not recover.

I expected to get a call that she had run away with a boy or was at the hospital because she got hurt at work. Not this. The opposite of this. The untruth of this.

She wanted to be normal. What she didn’t understand was she was more normal than any of us. Yes, she had to take some pills, but who doesn’t? Am I right? We all are medicated.

People have thanked me for being in her life. It is the opposite. I am SO THANKFUL I got to be part of her life. Having her in my life as an amazing human, cousin and friend, makes me the lucky one.

She taught us so much: 

She taught me to love people regardless of who they are.

To always see the glass as half full.

That you can mix OJ and Mt. Dew and enjoy it.

Fight for what you believe in.

Love with your whole heart, every time.

Sneaking into movies isn’t just a teenage thing.

The list could go on and on. Lauren wanted to be normal more than anything, wanted to be like us. I wish she knew how much we wished we could be as happy as her. How we wished we could love everyone as strong as she did.

We are all, I think still in shock, grieving, hurt, pissed, saddened and so many more things. She will forever have a piece of my heart.

Here’s to you Lauren – thank you for teaching us how to live life!