Everyone has someone that is no longer in their lives they wish were. There are also people in our lives that we don’t want in them, but keep for some reason. Life is a mystery. The part of life I don’t get is why we have regret, why do we have remorse, why do we wish we could undo past decisions.
Back in the day, post walking to school uphill both ways in two feet of snow, I fell in love. It was the real kind of love. You loved that person, their family, their life and you wanted the best for them. You dream about having a future together, what your kids would look like and where you would live.
Then things go rocky and you break up.
Looking back, it was my naivety on why things ended the way they did. It is the same reason why we got back together three more times. This kind of love can’t be forced, but when is it too much? When should you stop trying? When is it time? Do you give up when it gets hard? Do you give up when you feel you are the only one in love in the relationship?
Love needs to come with a direction label.
All those questions are the same ones I have asked myself every day. It’s been over seven years. Why is he still on my mind daily? Why do I get a gut ache when I think of him and his new wife? Why do I compare everyone I meet, to him?
I don’t know. I don’t have the answer. I wish I did. I wish I could get over it and move on. Side note, this is progress, I’m admitting it.
I think part of the progression of moving on is realizing it is time to get over it.
At least that is what I keep telling myself.
Maybe the next time my sister tells me she saw he is expecting a child, it won’t cut like a knife.
Maybe the next time someone mentions his name I won’t hold my breath.
Maybe the next time I won’t softly cry at night thinking about what could of been.
Or maybe next time, I won’t make the mistake of letting him slip away.