Today I found myself thinking quietly as a typed away on the computer, ”What if I hadn’t put my career first? What if I stayed closer to home? Maybe if I didn’t get my degree, I wouldn’t intimidate men. What if I had a different personality? One that didn’t scare people away at first.” I mean, let’s be honest, you really have to get to know me in order to see the true-ness of my heart. Why that wall is there, is the great question for the ages.
After getting down on myself I found I was no longer working. I was just sitting there staring at the screen. Thinking. “How did I let myself think that low of myself? How do I find these thoughts coming through on a frequent basis?”
All my life I have told myself, “tomorrow” or “what if”. I’ll be the first to admit I never live in the moment. I always look to see what the next opportunity brings. Part of me likes to believe that is where I get my drive. The lonely part of me thinks, “I’m sorry I was so driven, I missed getting married and having children.”
My thoughts quickly fade as someone comes in to ask me a work question. The day quickly gets away from me and suddenly I find myself driving home.
As I drive, I make the usual list of things I will start when I get home, “cleaning…diet…putting items on eBay…give the dog a bath…” Funny thing is, none of that usually happens. As I giggle to myself I suddenly remember my conversation with myself earlier in the day.
Why do I think that way?
I have learned the hard way, and am still learning I might add, that I often am sorry for things I should be grateful for.
So on that note, I finally say to myself, “Sorry, but I’m not sorry.” I’m not sorry I chose to put my career first. I’m not sorry I took chances and risks! I’m not sorry I had to learn life the hard way. (Very hard sometimes). I’m not sorry I chose to follow my dreams.
Don’t get me wrong, it can be lonely at times, but I have amazing friends and family by my side. And when the time is right, the right man will make me tame my ways. Until then, I’ll keep doing my thing, dreaming my dreams and reaching for the stars!
- Much love, KJM